Tonight, I, not for the first time, am filled with this urge to write, to read, to learn, to translate - to be majorly productive. Anything feels possible. But I know this feeling. Though it feels real and lasting now, it will, by morn, have faded - only its vestiges will remain, or, perhaps, the memory of it will convince me it lingers still but, on testing, I will find I am as disinclined to dedicate myself to any one thing as ever.
It truly is a curse.
I need to learn to dedicate myself to and finish things, one at a time (and not my typical jumping from one thing to another, leaving many things unfinished, forgetting them or jumping back to them to find they no longer inspire me).
My eyes tire. They are sore and I must blink more than usual.
I wish so to be better - to better myself.
I read something a friend had written and was immediately moved to jealousy. Why, I ask, does everyone seem ahead of me? Why (or am I merely expecting too much of myself?) am I behind?
Why does nothing I do seem good enough to me in comparison to anything else?
Why must I so obsessively compare?
Why can't I measure myself not against others but against myself?
Why, oh why, I ask about everything and anything and nothing... Why are things so?
I do not know.
Some poetry. There is respite in poetry. I offer these to you:
Late Fragment
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
- Raymond Carter
Moment
Clear moments are so short.
There is much more darkness. More
ocean than firm land. More
shadow than form.
- Adam Zagajewski
(translated from the Polish by Renata Gorczynski)
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My dearest Michael.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I read your blog, I thought: "This guy is just the young man I was a few years ago" and I decided to follow your blog. And now, months later, I still happen to read those posts of yours and I think: "I was right, indeed!"
I know the feeling all too well. I hate the feeling actually: the feeling of waking up to a new day knowing that you will save the world and that you will achieve great things for yourself, and then, a cup of tea and two toasts later, the feeling is gone. I hate it.
From what I read of you and from what I know of you, I think you should not worry. I think you just expect way too much out of yourself and at this point, you will stress about things, and you will always have that feeling of being a failure somehow, even when you're successful.
I should add (bad news!) the feeling can tend to linger for years altogether. But I think it's just a characteristic of restless people, who need to be on the move.
Don't worry too much about it all, Michael. The thing is that however big it may seem to you right now, it won't matter a few years down the line.
All you need to do is to keep struggling and keep working towards what you want to do. Just keep going by taking it a step at a time. And trust me, I teach to students of your age at the uni, and I really wish my students were as successful as you are. You are cut out for great things, remember it. Just make sure you take it slow, and you keep on working.
Courage, jeune homme!